Key to Missing Billions at Apple

Any day at Cupertino

Dear Tim,

Its funny how a little quirk can reveal fundamental flaws. Just the other day I need to do a quick calculation – you know the sort of thing: sqrt(summat or other). So of course I switched over to Dashboard and selected the little calculator. AMAZEMENT. NO square root!

Now I know its hard to keep track of all those hundreds of billions of dollars in the cash account. It must keep you awake at night wondering what to do with it. All the same I was VERY disappointed that you were unable to approve our request for funding for a square root button – just $10 for more coffee while we designed the icon.

I ask you to reconsider our request, favourably. After all, for a couple of bucks at the dollar store we can buy a real one and glue it under the screen.

Yours, remaining hopeful.


Dear “Motherboard”,

As you know, we at Apple are concerned to give the right feel and flavour to our products. I convened a meeting of top engineers (they all had their slide rules) together with a fine selection of HR and PR people and a couple of plumbers who were fixing the faucets. I’m sending down the spare coffee, but I fear there is a more fundamental problem. And not just that gluing a real one in would inflate profits at Dollar stores and compete with us.

We re-considered the design even though we feel it already expresses the economy that we at Apple value so much. Crucially there is no room for it. BUT, rather than let the matter rest, we have a suggestion. We noticed that keyboard has a zero on it (you will find it in the bottom left corner). One of the emeritus engineers pointed out that everyone managed very well without zero: Pythagoras, Euclid, Archimedes, the Romans, right up to El Algo Rythmn (we need to check the spelling on that guy – but he’s the one you need for computing). NOTHING fell down – look at Roman engineering.

Anyway to cut a long story some annoying Indian individual decided that everything looked neater if we had one – one zero that is (confusing eh?). Of course the craze caught on and we all got stuck with it. Even so things fall down.

A bright young spark – he’s the one designing the Apple Galactic Inter-Universe Drive & Space & Spar Station (which is soaking up those Billions secretly because we have to build a black hole) – also revealed that cosmologists believe that all the Universe sprang from nothing anyway. Since we have everything we need, plus dark matter we can’t see and don’t need, we really don’t need nothing either, anymore. So why would you need a zero for the math?

So, our advice is kill the zero and put the sqrty sign there. The left-over coffee should get you through that bit, but if any is left please water the pansies, they need a bit of kick in the pants.


Tim C.

PS Lets keep this quiet, we don’t want to upset the Russians just now, well not until our Apple Galactic Inter-Universe Drive & Space & Spar Station takes to the vacuum in a decade or two. T

PPS You will have guessed, the AGIUDSSS has only a single button. Way to go Steve!


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