Two Tablets for His Kingdom

In my youth we studied English History, and that inevitably involved large chunks of Europe: the Thirty year War, the Hundred Year War, and so on .. What do we have now? much the same (Tom Mulcair just said it was thirty five years of war in his interview with Peter Mansbridge), just with different names.

I thought this was about the only thing to say.



“Someone” needs a card

“Excuse me, Sir, I will need to consult my manager.”

Hhhhhrrrruuuummmph  . . .

………… (scuttling sound down the hallway) …………

“No documents, says he owns the Universe, built it in fact !”

Oh, I know that place, down by the fish and chip shop, the bowling alley on the other side, or is that the Universal, anyway, whatever, ….

“Well, I dunno, he reckons its global, with big potential, expanding all the time. But he got no documents, nuthin’ at all.”

“Come on, you know the rules, no docs – no card. He might as well not exist if he ain’t got docs.”

“Yeah, I know, but he’s sort of insistent, sort of stare that bores through you. Know what I mean? Like he knows more than I do – unnerving.”

“How can he have no docs if he built the place? he’d need planning permission, Union contracts, cash on the nail deposits for utilities, safety and fire inspections, under the counter sweeteners for ‘ornery aldermen, and God only knows what else. City Halls gotta have filing cabinets full of it.”

“They can’t turn up nothing – I checked good -and he says the whole thing was built from scratch – you know – bit by bit – from nuthin’ really – self made type – so that’s why there are no docs. I can’t quite figure it – but seems sort of genuine – can’t put my finger on it.”

“Rules is rules, no documents, no card, hell he could bankrupt us if we don’t check him proper – remember that Angel guy we had in here, and all the crap that followed?  I don’t care if he’s God Almighty.”

“I thought we’d give him a break – just this once, without a rating .. ”

NO way. Whaddya mean he has no credit rating?  Building that outfit without credit – its gotta be hot money, – drugs, women, or summat like that.”

……….. (scuttling sound back down the hallway) …………

“I am sorry sir, we can’t help you. My manager is adamant about documents. Says he don’t care if you are – well never mind. Sorry I can’t be of service- just get us a utility bill even, then we could give it a go, it’d be a start.”

“Yes, well I do understand, lucky for me I have a few other dimensions I can tap into that might help. (blinding flash.) Here … )”

(frantic scuttling down the hallway)

“Hey, this guy is a real treat, he’s got an eviction order from that Universe place, signed by T. A. God and S.T. Peter, and a fistful of fire & safety permits for an ultra-high temperature furnace. Oh yes, and a membership list with names you’ll never believe, and PIN numbers for all their cards too – fished them out a hidden pocket – so no problem! I gave him our top-level GLOBAL Gold Uranium Card, and do YOU ever owe me one!!”



How to spook your Nav system

I recently took possession of a new vehicle for which the salesman promoted the INFOTAINMENT system package. We took it – after all I wanted better control over my music, and I like to see myself saving gas.

SO – as a side ‘benefit’ there is a satellite/GPS based NAV system. Its neat, I appreciate the technology, although if you don’t set a destination it goes all murky at night, and even in the day if its overcast and gloomy. I sometimes have it on just to see all the side streets I’m bypassing in unfamiliar areas.

I have had it several months now – but as I know my way around pretty well I have never asked it to direct me anywhere. However, the other night I was in Almonte (40 minutes west of Ottawa) wanting to go back to Perth (30 minutes roughly south west.) I knew the way perfectly well by major highways but I wanted the scenic route – in the gathering gloomy of a February evening. I also knew, from a glance at a map (in my map booklet no less), the route I wanted. So I set the destination: “Downtown, Perth” and set off. Immediately it advised a left turn (the major highway route). I drove straight on. Silence, then an attempt to turn me onto a road I knew led back to that road. I ignored that too and went across the junction – straight on in a beeline for Perth. Silence for a couple of minutes then: “Please make a U-turn.”  I had it worried! But could see the road ahead was replete with pleasant upmarket houses on substantial wooded lots. The road was gravel/dirt, but it worked quite well! More silence, and then “If it is safe to do so, please make a U-turn.” I kept going. “She” kept silent. After all, there were no side roads to tempt me with.

Eventually we agreed about a turn left – it was on the natural route to Perth I was on anyway. A few miles further on the named road I was on came to a junction that threatened me with “Road not Maintained: Use at own risk.” In daylight I’d have explored, but it was dark by now, so I caved in and turned right then left for Highway 7, and a quick trip into Perth. Honour was satisfied.

NAV isn’t perfect. A day later on a middle lane on the Queensway through Ottawa it was advising me turn left, when it was really advising me not to get trapped in a right lane that forced an exit. Earlier, at the junction accessing the Queensway the obvious onramp that both I and NAV knew I needed to take was at angle across the junction, slanting upwards (top left so to speak) onto the Queensway, but the NAV advised me to turn left, which would take me under the Highway. A pedant would have gotten lost.

So – its best have your divining stick with you if you have a NAV, and a road map, a tiny tad of common sense.

P.S. I’m still here – not lost in space, just lost in time.

Long time no see – me, that is, BUT

anyway, I thought we might all like to contemplate our palaeolithic past and wonder what it was like – having to sneak around the savannah amongst long grasses with umbrella trees here and there (a useful refuge if chased, but check for tree lions first), either looking for a carcase to scavenge (if you can chase off the vultures and hyenas with the sticks and flaked points), or a juicy antelope to corner, or well – I could go on, but it wasn’t like the big Box stores we have now.

Now of course its dead easy, hunting for a parking spot amongst all the gargantuan SUVs and souped-up pickup trucks, followed by pushing through the sweating masses in the stores, screaming kids with the limited vocabulary of “I wanna,” and an empty shelf once you find your choice morsel for Christmas, and the helpful “re-Stock” label to encourage your return, this year, or next. SO I drew this cartoon to epitomize our good fortune in the early 21st century, and perhaps suggest that not much has changed …

Hunting&GatheringHave a Happy Christmas … and a lion-free new Year
















What went BANG in the night? and who was there?

I am enclosing a very pretty picture of a Neolithic Hut ring I spotted in the Isle of Man. A spectacular coastal walk goes right by it. They obviously had a spectacular view of the sea, if you don’t mind a near three hundred foot drop to the said sea. Do YOU think Mom was nervous about the kids? Anyway here is the picture.

Perilous perch
Perilous perch

Now this raises a little question in my mind – because – do you see that grey arrow? That points out a vertical fracture in the rock mass (technically a joint, originally, that then became a fault when the chunk with the Hut Circle dropped 10m !)  Scary eh? Now did they build that hut before or after that happened? Or did it go BANG one very dark and rainy night? Or was it gradual and they never felt a thing?

Just imagine next morning!

“Hey MOM!!! guess what happened in the night!”

WHOP – “Don’t tell scary stories to scare your sisters.”

“Honest Mom!!!”, scampers off (stage right (Uphill)).

Now look at this satellite image (courtesy Google and the Isle of Man Government)


You can see all the cracks in the area (that is called “The Chasms”). I have outlined the fractures that delineate the slipped block. Some of the cracks on the seaward side terminate quite close to the Hut.

So thats a delayed Halloween scary tale for y’all.


PS my guess is they built it before it dropped – but what happened next is sheer speculation, just like the seaward drop.

Hair and Thair – is either of them “ready” ?

He’s not ready, Stephen sez so. But is there a subliminal message there? It sounds like it to me. Are they fearful that soon he will be ready? and then bang go the Tories? Ready by this election? or the next one? Or are they planning to increase Health Benefits and fund a brain/head transplant? After all they like Justin’s hair, and aren’t we getting tired of Stephen’s mop – it looks like a wig but we suppose it isn’t.  Head transplants are only a year or two away … (and not just on YouTube).

So there it is – you heard it here first – Mr Harper is getting a head transplant before 2019. Q.E.D.

P.S. I do feel sorry for Justin though – what does he get out of it? In fact it raises an enormous lunch bag full of questions. Go to it and let me know what you think.